There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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