we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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