You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I looked at my own cervix.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
