Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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