Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
