fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
