I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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