Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
