he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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