also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
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Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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