we're chasing vodka with high fives
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
