If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
