Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
