I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My feet surprised me
Randomize
