We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
