Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
