From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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