How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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