I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
