The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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