Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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