Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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