Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Semen is not good for contacts.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
