you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
