how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You are a genius and a whore.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
