Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Soap is not a condiment
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
