A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
