he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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