Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
