I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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