I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you would pick up someone in the library
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
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He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
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Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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