i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
