i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
