omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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