The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
