Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize