I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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