The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
