Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
