I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
