Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
