now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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