That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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