my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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