How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
