She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
