he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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