I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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