sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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