So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
