She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
