i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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