dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
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I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
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there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.