I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.