You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.