Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Randomize
