Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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