I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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