I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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