There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
