You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
